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...but rational enough to know it and catch myself being high or low and say, "Hey, Mike, you're feelin' kinda high (or low, whichever you prefer for this example) right now. Just sayin'!" For instance, this morning at a very early hour I made a very long post about a very sensitive subject that I feel is very honest and sincere, but I didn't post it publicly because I hesitate to let anyone see what goes through my mind when I'm almost assuredly feeling low because it's quite dark and worrisome. (That was a lot of "very"!) I think some of you could relate and might even have valuable thoughts to share on the matter, but I'm not entirely sure it wouldn't push some of you away.

Anyway, I don't want or like people worrying about me, but I think sometimes it's entirely natural, and in those cases I appreciate it as a gesture of concern. I also think that sometimes the reasons I do cause people to worry about me are honest and I'm not sure that I should actually feel compelled to withhold my thoughts just for the sake of those other people.

Maybe I should set up a very personal filter for friends who actually ask to read the things that make it here for whatever reasons inspire or enable me to post such thoughts? I can't promise anything except that such filtered posts would be brutally honest looks into who I am at times.
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I wish more bands did that with covers of their songs. One such cover trade I'd really like to see is Paramore performing Taylor Swift's "Fearless", and Taylor performing Paramore's "Brick by Boring Brick". I think the themes of both songs are just a little outside what is typical for either one of them, but close enough that they could pull them off and it would be interesting to hear. "Fearless" is pretty energetic, and it'd be neat to see what the guys in Paramore do with it while Hayley tackles Taylor's more traditionally feminine lyrics. And "Brick by Boring Brick" is something of a foil to Taylor's sometimes fairytale lyrics.

Here's to wishful thinking!
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I really like the new Paramore album that came out at the end of September, Brand New Eyes. You've likely heard the track "Decode" because it was on the Twilight soundtrack, but that's probably the weakest on the album, in my opinion. While the music is still very much like that on Riot!, Hayley Williams' vocal range is a bit more impressive this time around. She's always had a great voice, but this time she uses it a bit better, and that means occasionally toning it down for more mellow moments. Anyway, really good listen, so if you like them and haven't heard it yet, get to it!

Edit: I lied. "Decode" isn't on it. I guess the person who ripped them just put it in the zip. = P

AMV idea...

Nov. 2nd, 2009 04:49 am
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Someone should make an AMV using footage from Utena and the song "Brick by Boring Brick" by Paramore.
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I kinda want to tell you guys what it is, but I kinda want to wait and just let you see it. Here's hoping I can actually get what I need for it, though...
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Fuck you for being precisely what I want in concept, but having the shittiest character designs of any Macross series ever. Way to pro it up! = (
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So, recently saw two films that are worth sharing with you all. Incidentally, they share some themes...

(500) Days of Summer
Tom meets Summer and falls hard and fast, but Summer doesn't quite share Tom's feelings or belief about love. This is one of the best films about modern romantic relationships that I've seen recently, and is chock full of both style and substance.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane
Mandy Lane is a girl who has blossomed into some kind of heavenly creature: beautiful, mysterious, virginal, unattainable. The horror begins when she is invited to join the most popular kids for a party at one kid's secluded family ranch, as someone follows them and will kill to get her alone.

I should really be sleeping right now. = /
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I had one customer physically assault me and another customer actually buy me a 200ml bottle of Bacardi 151. These two events were not even related.
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...and I'm both elated and devastated (that would make an awesome album title: Elated and Devastated by the Gonna be an Uncles!). I've been teasing my sister about getting knocked up for months, long before she was actually pregnant. I gave her morning sickness candies in a stocking for Christmas last year. Now she's actually pregnant and as excited as I am for her, I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to be a terrible uncle, and the realization that my younger sister is married, living in a house that she owns with her husband, and now about to start her very own family serves only to make me feel even shittier than I already do about the fact that I have done nothing in my life that really amounts to anything.

I want to be the best uncle ever. I want to the uncle that introduces my niece or nephew to all the cool stuff in life that my sister doesn't appreciate, or glosses over while she worries about all the other stuff parents must consider -- you know, like great music and film and video games. I want to be the uncle this kid begs for as a babysitter when Caryn and Josh go out together, because I order pizza and we do fun stuff together. I want to be the uncle that shows this kid JAWS and STAR WARS (the original trilogy, of course!) and THE GOONIES for the first time ever! I want to be the uncle that teaches this kid to love classic rock like The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and Fleetwood Mac, while all his or her classmates are listening to whoever the new Hannah Montana is! I want this kid to be introduced to Tetris on my NES.

But, I have this huge fear that this kid isn't going to want to know me... that somehow, he or she will instinctively fear or shy away from me. Furthermore, I think maybe my desire to be the best uncle ever is just a substitute for the desire to be the best father ever, because I don't see any future for myself that involves me with someone who would have any children with me (and not unjustifiably, because I'm nowhere near ready for it). I already feel like a huge failure in life... what if this kid just senses that and doesn't even give me the chance to succeed at being a very good uncle?

Sometimes I feel like my family would go on just fine without me. Like, they all know me and I get this sense that all of their lives would be better, or at least no worse, if I just didn't even exist. This kid has no idea who I am or how I've failed myself through a lack of direction or motivation; he or she has no reason to think I'm anything less than as awesome as I want to be... what happens when this kid starts to see me the way I see myself? = /

Edit: I could teach him/her how to use punctuation on the internet too!
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Here's a quick rundown of the series I'm watching, and why...

HOUSE, M.D.
The premier double episode for this (the sixth) season of HOUSE provided a strong bridge between where we left House at the end of last season and where we want to see him: back in Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. It also established a new relationship that will prove incredibly significant, between House and Dr. Darryl Nolan, his occasional therapist.

CRIMINAL MINDS
If you were to watch only the season finales and two-part special episodes that they sometimes pump out to sweep ratings, your opinion of this show likely wouldn't be very high. Watch all the rest and you'll wonder how the hell you let such an awesome series slip by you! That's the way with CRIMINAL MINDS; when they stick to the tried and true formula, and focus on developing the characters and exploring interesting ideas within that framework, I can think of few shows better. That said, the last season's finale really left me worried: I was certain they were either killing off one of my favorite characters or writing him into such a tight corner that there was no believable means of escape. They managed to do neither, instead finding a way to use the last season's worrisome cliffhanger in a way that could prove to be really interesting. It's hard to convey how much respect I have for the writers of CRIMINAL MINDS, but let me say here that this is one of my favorite shows on the air, even if I do expect 1-3 crappy episodes per season.

GLEE
Thanks to Dommi for putting me onto this gem. It's new and sparkly and totally original. Also, it occasionally makes me want to dance in my room where nobody can see or judge me for it!

GOSSIP GIRL
This show manages to annoy me to the point that I almost quit watching just as it reintroduces a character or hits on a theme that's really interesting, forcing me to keep with it -- e.g., the return of Georgina in season three as a character whose real motives are yet uncertain is very appealing to me. It would be so easy to assume she's this devilish bitch waiting for just the right moment to reveal her true nature, but so far I have no good reason to suspect her except for her past, and I'm the kind of person who believes that people are not defined entirely by the past. She's such an interesting character for this reason: she's the perfect example of a person living in Sartre's idea of hell, because she's left such a strong, negative impression upon so many of the other characters that they could easily write her off as being exactly what they think of her without ever giving her the chance to change or prove she has. She's probably the only character other than Chuck Bass and Little J that interests me at this point.

MAD MEN
I've gotta catch up on season 3 because I've only seen the first episode. If you haven't given this show a shot yet, do it now! It's incredibly modern for a show about the golden age of advertising in the late 50s/early 60s, and oh-so-stylish!
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Lemme know if you need the numbers of any stars, because I call thems bitches!
auturgist: (Valustria)
22:09:44 [Gawd] whispers: take ur shirt off
22:09:47 [Gawd] whispers: then give me 50g
22:10:04 To [Gawd]: No.
22:10:10 [Gawd] whispers: this is serious
22:10:27 To [Gawd]: You need to at least buy me dinner.
22:10:37 [Gawd] whispers: No.
-- SEVERAL MINUTES LATER --
22:19:20 [Gawd] whispers: Can I buy you dinner?
22:20:13 To [Gawd]: Damnit, you have no idea how this works, do you?
22:20:41 [Gawd] whispers: take ur shirt off
22:20:51 To [Gawd]: FIRST, you compliment me. THEN, you chat me up a bit. THEN you offer to buy me dinner. THEN, just maybe we go back to my place, or yours, and then MAYBE I take off my shirt.
22:20:58 To [Gawd]: And YOU pay me, not the other way around!
22:21:07 [Gawd] whispers: rofl
22:21:10 To [Gawd]: Fuck, people are so ignorant of the way shit works these days.
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Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm trying to sell some anime/manga art books and video games, and while this is not new, I might be willing to come off some of the ones I'd tried to hold onto in the past. In any case, look over this list and let me know if anything catches your eye. Prices are somewhat negotiable, so if you want something, but you cannot afford what I'm asking or think I'm being outrageous, make me an offer and I'll maybe say yes. Shipping is on you, and I use the USPS because the post office is not far. $4 should cover just about any single thing listed...

Oh, and if an item is italicized, I might not let it go. Basically, if you want it, speak up, but don't get your hopes up until I agree to sell it! Sorry, I'm still terribly sentimental about some of this stuff.

Art Books )

Video Games )

I might add to this list if something hits me. Oh, and if anyone knows any good places to pimp this list, please comment, or feel free to do so yourselves if you think that would work. Really, I just want to see some of this stuff disappear, with cash money appearing in its place! = P
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...just made my list of favorite television characters.
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Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen movies you've seen that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

Almost Famous
Millennium Actress
2001: A Space Odyssey
Full Metal Jacket
Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade
Before Sunrise
The Notebook
Rushmore
Jaws
Rounders
Fight Club
The Big Lebowski
Rachel Getting Married
Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

That was really difficult!
auturgist: (Valustria)
...in honor of her full T8.25 armor set!

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I think I realized something recently -- I think I figured out why I'm fucked up. I mean, I think we're all fucked up in our own ways, but I think I finally figured out why I am, 14 years after the incident in question. But what are you supposed to do? Discovering how something that happened 14 years ago has profoundly affected your entire life is like realizing someone castled through a space in check thirty moves ago, only you can't just go back, and you can't start the game over. It's kinda fucked, really. And now it all falls on me anyway -- so what if I know what happened to me when I was only 15 that forever changed my perceptions of the world and myself? I'm almost 30 now and it doesn't change all the moves made since then. Life isn't fair, and the game must be played despite whatever fouls aren't caught except in hindsight.

I've been thinking about seeking professional therapy for some time now. At this point, I'm not sure how much I need it to figure out the why anymore, but I think I could use some help with finding answers to the question "What now?" I just don't know how to go about this sort of thing... how do you find a therapist? Anyone have any thoughts or experiences they wouldn't mind sharing with me? Comments are screened.
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