auturgist: (Guts)
[personal profile] auturgist
So, I started classes this fall semester, taking 8 credits to complete an AA toward which I began working nearly a decade ago. I feel very good about this, as if the stars aligned for this point in my life. Not because an AA is anything special; it's not. But it's the beginning of something else that I need to do for myself: figure out where I'm going before I'm lost completely. And because the classes I'm taking have a kind of synergy that will prove helpful to me moving forward. Or at least the first two so far do!

Monday nights I'm taking a psychology class called Learning as Journey that is all about the ways people learn, and how to recognize choices they can make to improve themselves. Tuesday evenings I'll satisfy the general requirement that is Health 101: Health and Wellness, which could have been a test to endure if not for a teacher who is passionate about the topic and the real benefits of healthy lifestyles. I think these two classes together will really help me to get my head and body into a better place moving forward in my life. I'll get out of it what I put into it, at least, right? My last class occurs Thursday evenings and is just a required elective: Philosophy 103 Critical Thinking. Should be easy enough.

Anyway, I just wanted to put it down, for both myself and some others, with some hope that it will help me to stick with this: I'm not very happy with my life as it is. I haven't been for a long time. I've been at times nearly suicidal, and apathetic regarding aspects of my life about which a healthy person cares. I've come to hate the person I am in some ways, and I'm tired of it. I'm better than that, and I want to fix myself. I'm not entirely sure how to do it, but I think I'm on the right track, however behind I am or slow the process turns out to be. And with that said, I need other people to know that I can't-- I won't be the same person through it all that you have known. I hope that anyone important to me will only offer their support, understanding that this can only be good for me in the end. How could it possibly be worse? But one never knows with absolute certainty, and I do have some fears: that I will fail, that changes I need to make will alienate certain people, etc.

In my health class we have to submit a "behavior change contract" that involves improving some aspect of our personal wellness through the modification of at least three specific behaviors. It involves keeping a log or journal of observations concerning those behaviors over time, and then setting measurable goals and rewards to modify those behaviors. I think my focus is going to be on my sleep schedule. (It's 4AM now and I need to work in the morning -- see what's wrong with this picture?) I'd like to focus on the impact my lack of exercise, late night gaming, and maybe even my diet has on this aspect of my wellness, so they will likely be my three specific behaviors. I don't think it will be too hard to start exercising often, but I do worry about how I will have to change my gaming habit because, honestly, WoW is a big part of what I am and do currently. It's pretty harrowing to admit to myself, and embarrassing to admit to others, honestly how much my social life revolves around that game, and to what degree my own self-esteem is either directly or indirectly linked to it. And the excuses that it's just a game I play or that the $15 I pay to play for two months is cheap when I'm poor don't cut it anymore. I can play WoW, but I can't continue to play it as late or often as I do now. But the thing that scares me is that it is social, and there are people I know through WoW who I'd like to keep as friends whether or not we ever play together, and I'm not entirely convinced that will be the case with all of them. And logically I know that anyone who values the game so much that we can't be friends if I'm not playing with them probably isn't a good friend in the first place, but that doesn't comfort me much when I consider that one of the consequences of my new values and behaviors could be the loss of friends when I don't feel that I have very many in the first place. Anyway, that's just one example of my fears moving forward, and I'd like to think that such will never actually occur.

Lastly, I think I might prune my friends here and on Facebook. I don't want to be distracted by all the dumb shit that an online presence imposes upon someone whose concerns need to be planted more firmly in the real world right now. But maybe that's not exactly the problem... it's easy enough to ignore shit here and on Facebook; maybe I just need to log off AIM and shut out the idea that I'm a click away from talking to anyone on my contacts at all times. I crave attention from people sometimes, and even wish that some would think to invite or involve me in things whether or not I can attend or oblige; being on AIM all the time often just reminds me that those people aren't talking to me. It's not very healthy, I think.

Anyway, it's been a long time since I made any post worth reading, because it's been a long time since I had anything to say worth saying. This is, and I'm hopeful for the first time in a long time that I'll have more to say soon. I really appreciate if you read this whole post; I imagine if you did I'll still see you on the other end. Thanks, and I look forward to doing so!
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December 2010

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