Jan. 2nd, 2010

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It's a new year, and for many that brings a sense of obligation in redefining goals and perhaps even identity. (Although I much prefer Ollie's sentiment that anything worth doing is worth doing now.) I guess the same thing happens with me to some degree. I'm not happy with where I am in life. I'm pretty directionless, and that puts me at the mercy of other people and foreign elements in many regards. So this year will hopefully be about finding out what I want to do with myself, because I'm going to be 30 in less than a month and if I can't figure out what I want to do in this world before turning 31, there's a good chance I'll just shoot myself.

Also, I'm really having a hard time with something. I'd say that it's being antisocial, except that in many cases, I'm not actively avoiding being social as much as simply failing or being awkward at it. I don't quite understand why it is that I always feel at odds with the status quo, but I am and this plagues me. I often despise the social dynamics of groups at large and have a hard time fitting in or getting along with people that way. I do much better dealing personally with individuals, I think. In fact, Ted has said that we occupy opposite ends of this spectrum: he is much more likely to say something that will hurt or offend someone personally, but gets along well in social settings, where I am way more sensitive towards individuals but inclined to fuck up a social dynamic. I agree, and think maybe realization of this fact is a contributing factor to those times when I opt out of social activities. I hate being that guy who is an odd wheel among couples, or whose fucked up circadian rhythms means he's falling asleep at parties or whatever... I've been that guy too many times already.

Anyway, I'm thinking about maybe going back to school. Not sure what I want to study, I still think that's a setting that could benefit me. So, a list of things I would like to study is probably a good place to start. I'm going to work on that, and hope that something on that list has some practical potential.

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auturgist

December 2010

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